Ten Ways To Deal With A Stubborn Child

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D e a l i n g with s t u b b o r n children i s a c h a l l e n g e for p a r e n t s as g e t t i n g them t o do e v e n basic c h o r e s like t a k i n g a b a t h , eating a meal o r going t o bed i s an e v e r y d a y battle. P a r e n t s inadvertently e n c o u r a g e adamant b e h a v i o r in c h i l d r e n , by g i v i n g in t o their t a n t r u m s .

T h e best w a y to d e a l with a stubborn c h i l d is t o show h i m that h i s behavior d o e s n ’ t work. P a y attention t o his g o o d behavior f o r the d e s i r e d outcome. M o m J u n c t i o n has l i s t e d down a few t i p s that c h i l d psychologists a n d parenting e x p e r t s recommend t o deal w i t h a s t u b b o r n child.

C h a r a c t e r i s t i c s Of A Stubborn C h i l d

N o t every k i d that e x e r c i s e s free w i l l is s t u b b o r n . It i s important t o fathom i f your c h i l d is s t u b b o r n or d e t e r m i n e d , before t a k i n g any s t r o n g action.

S t r o n g – w i l l e d children c a n be h i g h l y intelligent a n d creative. T h e y ask a lot o f questions, w h i c h may c o m e across a s rebellion. T h e y have o p i n i o n s and a r e “doers”.

A few o t h e r characteristics t h a t stubborn c h i l d r e n may d i s p l a y are:

S t u b b o r n Child P s y c h o l o g y : Understanding S t r o n g – W i l l e d Children

I f determination i s one o f your s t r o n g suits, y o u ’ d love t o see t h a t in y o u r kid a s well. B u t the t r i c k y part i s to k n o w the d i f f e r e n c e between d e t e r m i n a t i o n and s t u b b o r n n e s s . So h o w do y o u tell o n e from t h e other?

T h e dictionary m e a n i n g of d e t e r m i n a t i o n is ‘ f i r m n e s s of p u r p o s e ’ .
S t u b b o r n n e s s or s t r o n – w i l l is d e f i n e d as h a v i n g an u n w a v e r i n g determination t o do s o m e t h i n g or a c t in a particular w a y . Simply p u t , it i s refusing t o change o n e ’ s thoughts, b e h a v i o r s , or a c t i o n s regardless o f the e x t e r n a l pressure t o do o t h e r w i s e .
S t u b b o r n n e s s in c h i l d r e n can b e genetic o r an a c q u i r e d behavior. I t is p o s s i b l e that y o u have i n a d v e r t e n t l y taught y o u r kid t o be s t u b b o r n .
O n a p o s i t i v e note, y o u can n o w consciously h e l p your c h i l d unlearn o r change h i s behavior f o r good.

T i p s To D e a l With S t u b b o r n Children

Y o u may h a v e a s t u b b o r n child w h o refuses t o stay i n her c r i b or b r u s h e s aside h e r cereal s p o o n every t i m e you t r y to f e e d her. O r you m a y have a bullheaded s i x – y e a r – o l d who i n s i s t s on w e a r i n g the s a m e clothes e v e r y day a n d stomps h i s foot t o defy e v e r y rule o r instruction y o u give h i m . Here a r e ten t i p s that y o u can r e l y on t o curb t h e i r stubborn b e h a v i o r .

1 . Listen, D o n ’ t Argue

C o m m u n i c a t i o n is a two-way s t r e e t . If y o u want y o u r obstinate k i d to l i s t e n to y o u , you h a v e to b e willing t o listen t o him f i r s t . Strong-willed c h i l d r e n may h a v e strong o p i n i o n s and t e n d to a r g u e .

T h e y may b e c o m e defiant i f they f e e l that t h e y aren’t b e i n g heard. M o s t of t h e times, w h e n your c h i l d insists o n doing o r not d o i n g something, l i s t e n i n g to t h e m and h a v i n g an o p e n conversation a b o u t what’s b o t h e r i n g them c a n do t h e trick. S o how d o you t e a c h a f i v e – y e a r – o l d stubborn c h i l d to l i s t e n to y o u ? You a p p r o a c h him o r her s i d e w a y s , in a calm a n d practical m a n n e r and n o t head-on.

2 . Connect W i t h Them, D o n ’ t Force T h e m

W h e n you f o r c e kids i n t o something, t h e y tend t o rebel a n d do e v e r y t h i n g they s h o u l d not. T h e term t h a t best d e f i n e s this b e h a v i o r is c o u n t e r w i l l , which i s a c o m m o n trait o f stubborn c h i l d r e n . Counterwill i s instinctive a n d is n o t restricted t o children a l o n e . Connect w i t h your c h i l d r e n .

F o r example, f o r c i n g your s i x – y e a r – o l d child, w h o insists o n watching T V past h e r bedtime, w i l l not h e l p . Instead, s i t with h e r and s h o w interest i n what s h e is w a t c h i n g . When y o u show y o u care, s h e is l i k e l y to r e s p o n d . Children w h o connect w i t h their p a r e n t s or c a r e g i v e r s want t o cooperate. E s t a b l i s h i n g an u n s h a k a b l e connection w i t h defiant c h i l d r e n makes i t easier t o deal w i t h them, s a y s Susan S t i f f e l m a n in h e r book P a r e n t i n g Without P o w e r Struggles.

T a k e that f i r s t step o f connecting w i t h your k i d today – give t h e m a h u g ! (2)

3 . Give T h e m Options

K i d s have a mind o f their o w n and d o n ’ t always l i k e being t o l d what t o do. T e l l your f o u r – y e a r – o l d stubborn c h i l d that s h e has t o be i n bed b y 9pm, a n d all y o u will g e t from h e r is a loud “ N o ! ” . Tell y o u r five-year-old s t u b b o r n boy t o buy a toy y o u chose a n d he w i l l NOT w a n t that. G i v e your k i d s options a n d not d i r e c t i v e s . Instead o f telling h e r to g o to b e d , ask h e r if s h e would w a n t to r e a d bedtime s t o r y A o r B.

Y o u r kid c o u l d continue t o be d e f i a n t and s a y , “I a m not g o i n g to b e d ! ” . When t h a t happens, s t a y calm a n d tell h e r matter-of-factly, “ w e l l , that w a s not o n e of t h e choices”. Y o u can r e p e a t the s a m e thing a s many t i m e s as n e e d e d , and a s calmly a s possible. W h e n you s o u n d like a broken r e c o r d , your c h i l d is l i k e l y to g i v e in.

T h a t said, t o o many o p t i o n s aren’t g o o d either. F o r example, a s k i n g your k i d to p i c k one o u t f i t from h i s wardrobe c o u l d leave h i m confused. Y o u can a v o i d this p r o b l e m by m i n i m i z i n g the o p t i o n s to t w o or t h r e e outfits p i c k e d by y o u , and a s k i n g your s t u b b o r n kid t o pick f r o m those.

4 . Stay C a l m

Y e l l i n g at a defiant, s c r e a m i n g kid w i l l turn a n ordinary c o n v e r s a t i o n between a parent a n d a c h i l d into a shouting m a t c h . Your c h i l d might t a k e your r e s p o n s e as a n invitation t o a v e r b a l combat. T h i s will o n l y make t h i n g s worse. I t is u p to y o u to s t e e r the c o n v e r s a t i o n to a practical c o n c l u s i o n as y o u are t h e adult. H e l p your c h i l d understand t h e need t o do s o m e t h i n g or b e h a v e in a specific m a n n e r .

D o what i t takes t o stay c a l m – m e d i t a t e , exercise, o r listen t o music. L i s t e n to s o o t h i n g music, p l a y calming o r relaxing m u s i c at h o m e so t h a t even y o u r kids c a n listen. O n c e in a while, p l a y your k i d ’ s favorite m u s i c . That w a y , you c a n gain t h e i r ‘vote’ a n d also e n a b l e them t o unwind.

5 . Respect T h e m

I f you w a n t your c h i l d r e n to r e s p e c t you a n d your d e c i s i o n s , you n e e d to r e s p e c t them. Y o u r child w i l l not a c c e p t authority i f you f o r c e it o n t o him. H e r e are a few w a y s you c a n model r e s p e c t in y o u r relationship:

S e e k cooperation, d o n ’ t insist o n adherence t o directives.
H a v e consistent r u l e s for a l l your c h i l d r e n and d o not b e lax j u s t because y o u find i t convenient.
E m p a t h i z e with t h e m – n e v e r dismiss t h e i r feelings o r ideas.
L e t your c h i l d r e n do w h a t they c a n for t h e m s e l v e s , avoid t h e temptation t o do s o m e t h i n g for t h e m , to r e d u c e their b u r d e n . This a l s o tells t h e m that y o u trust t h e m .
S a y what y o u mean a n d do w h a t you s a y .

L e a d by e x a m p l e is t h e mantra y o u should f o l l o w here b e c a u s e your k i d s are o b s e r v i n g you a l l the t i m e , according t o Betsy B r o w n Braun, t h e author o f You’re N o t The B o s s Of M e .

6 . Work W i t h Them

S t u b b o r n or s t r o n g willed c h i l d r e n are h i g h l y sensitive t o how y o u treat t h e m . So b e watchful o f the t o n e , body-language, a n d vocabulary y o u use. W h e n they b e c o m e uncomfortable w i t h your b e h a v i o r , they d o what t h e y know b e s t to p r o t e c t themselves: t h e y rebel, t a l k back, a n d display a g g r e s s i o n .

C h a n g i n g the w a y you a p p r o a c h a s t u b b o r n child c a n change h o w they r e a c t to y o u . Rather t h a n telling t h e m what t o do, p a r t n e r with t h e m .
U s e statements l i k e “let’s d o this…”, “ h o w about w e try t h a t … ” instead o f “I w a n t you t o do … ”.
U s e fun a c t i v i t i e s to g e t your k i d s to d o something. F o r example, i f you w a n t your s t u b b o r n kid t o put h i s toys a w a y , start d o i n g it y o u r s e l f and a s k her t o be y o u r “special h e l p e r ” .
Y o u could a l s o time t h e activity a n d challenge t h e kid t o put t h e toys a w a y faster t h a n you c a n . This i s a s n e a k y trick t h a t mostly w o r k s .

R e m e m b e r that t h e purpose o f working w i t h your c h i l d r e n is t o become t h e i r friend.

7 . Negotiate

S o m e t i m e s , it i s necessary t o negotiate w i t h your c h i l d r e n . It i s common f o r kids t o act o u t when t h e y aren’t g e t t i n g what t h e y want. I f you w a n t them t o listen t o you, y o u need t o know w h a t ’ s stopping t h e m from d o i n g so.

S t a r t by a s k i n g a f e w questions l i k e “What i s bothering y o u ? ” , “ I s something t h e matter?”, o r “Do y o u want a n y t h i n g ? ” to g e t them t o talk a b o u t it. T h i s tells t h e m that y o u respect t h e i r wishes a n d are w i l l i n g to c o n s i d e r them.
N e g o t i a t i o n need n o t necessarily m e a n that y o u always g i v e in t o their d e m a n d s . It’s a l l about b e i n g considerate a n d practical.
F o r example, y o u r child m a y not b e willing t o go t o bed a t the s e t hour. R a t h e r than i n s i s t i n g , try a n d negotiate a bedtime t h a t suits b o t h of y o u .

8 . Create A Congenial E n v i r o n m e n t At H o m e

C h i l d r e n learn t h r o u g h observation a n d experience ( 3 ) . If t h e y see t h e i r parents a r g u i n g all t h e time, t h e y will l e a r n to i m i t a t e that.

M a r i t a l discord b e t w e e n parents c a n lead t o a s t r e s s f u l environment i n the h o u s e , affecting t h e mood a n d behavior o f the k i d s .

A c c o r d i n g to a study, m a r i t a l discord m a y lead t o social w i t h d r a w a l and e v e n aggression i n children ( 4 ) .

9 . Understand T h e Child’s P e r s p e c t i v e

T o better u n d e r s t a n d your s t u b b o r n kid’s b e h a v i o r , try t o look a t the s i t u a t i o n from t h e i r perspective.

P u t yourself i n your c h i l d ’ s shoes a n d try t o imagine w h a t they m u s t be g o i n g through t o behave i n such a way. T h e more y o u know y o u r kid, t h e better y o u can d e a l with t h e i r stubborn s t r e a k .

F o r example, i f your c h i l d is n o t willing t o do h i s homework, i t is p o s s i b l e that h e or s h e is o v e r w h e l m e d by t h e task. I f there i s too m u c h to d o or i f your c h i l d is n o t able t o focus, y o u can h e l p by b r e a k i n g the h o m e w o r k into s m a l l e r tasks t h a t can b e completed i n short t i m e . You c o u l d include s h o r t , one o r two-minute b r e a k s between t h e tasks t o make t h e activity l e s s stressful f o r him.

1 0 . Reinforce P o s i t i v e Behavior

T h e r e will b e times w h e n you w o u l d not k n o w what t o do w i t h stubborn c h i l d r e n , to c o n t r o l their a n g e r and a g g r e s s i v e behavior. B u t if y o u react w i t h o u t thought, y o u may d e v e l o p a n e g a t i v e attitude t o w a r d s the p r o b l e m and e v e n reinforce h i s negative b e h a v i o r unwittingly.

F o r example, y o u r kid m a y be s a y i n g “No!” t o almost e v e r y t h i n g you s a y . Think a b o u t it – do y o u say “ N o ” a l o t ? If y e s , you a r e reinforcing n e g a t i v e behavior b y example.

O n e way t o change y o u r stubborn k i d ’ s negative r e s p o n s e s is t h e “Yes” g a m e , a c l e v e r strategy r e c o m m e n d e d by m a r r i a g e and f a m i l y therapist S u s a n Stiffelman.

W h e n playing t h i s game, y o u r kid h a s to s a y “yes” o r “no” t o everything. Q u e s t i o n s like “ Y o u love i c e cream, d o n ’ t you?”, “ D o you l o v e playing w i t h your t o y s ? ” , or “ D o you w a n t to s e e if y o u r dinosaur f

l o a t s in t h e bath t u b tomorrow?” a r e likely t o get a “Yes” f r o m your c h i l d . The m o r e your k i d responds p o s i t i v e l y , the m o r e he i s likely t o feel l i k e he i s being h e a r d and a p p r e c i a t e d .

C o m m o n Problems W i t h A S t u b b o r n Child

1 . How T o Potty T r a i n A S t u b b o r n Child?

P o t t y training i s difficult a s it i s , but w h e n you a r e dealing w i t h a s t u b b o r n child, i t can b e c o m e a p a i n . You c a n potty t r a i n your t h r e e – y e a r – o l d stubborn a n d aggressive c h i l d by:

T a l k i n g about i t .
E x p l a i n i n g him h o w it i s done.
M a k i n g it f u n – d o n ’ t get s e r i o u s if y o u r kid r e f u s e s to u s e the t o i l e t .

R e m e m b e r that a stubborn c h i l d may t a k e longer t o learn t o use t h e toilet t h a n an o b e d i e n t one. I t is i m p o r t a n t that y o u remain p a t i e n t and w o r k with y o u r kid t o help h i m reach t h e goal, r a t h e r than p u s h him t o w a r d s it.

2 . How T o Get A Stubborn C h i l d To E a t ?

C h i l d r e n tend t o be v e r y fussy w h e n it c o m e s to f o o d . That s a i d , you c a n n o t always f e e d your k i d what h e or s h e wants. T h e best w a y to m a k e sure y o u r stubborn k i d s get w h a t is g o o d for t h e m is t o make d i n n e r time f u n .

U s e creative w a y s to p r e s e n t the f o o d to y o u r little o n e .
G e t them i n v o l v e d at t h e dinner t a b l e (ask t h e m to s e t the t a b l e up, s e r v e , etc.).
E n c o u r a g e them t o try t h e food ( j u s t one b i t e ) before r e j e c t i n g it. S e r v e them s m a l l portions o f everything a n d let t h e m choose.
R e w a r d them w i t h a d e s s e r t or t r e a t if t h e y finish t h e i r meal.

3 . How t o punish a stubborn c h i l d ?

C h i l d r e n need r u l e s and d i s c i p l i n e . Your k i d s should k n o w that t h e r e will b e consequences, g o o d or b a d , for t h e i r actions.

M a k e sure t h a t they a r e fully a w a r e of t h e consequences o f breaking t h e rules.

C o n s e q u e n c e s should b e immediate, e s p e c i a l l y when y o u are d e a l i n g with k i d s so t h a t they c a n connect t h e i r actions t o the r e s u l t . Time-outs, c u t t i n g down p l a y t i m e , or T V time a n d assigning l i t t l e chores c a n be a few w a y s to d i s c i p l i n e the k i d . You c o u l d also g e t creative w i t h consequences, b a s e d on t h e problem.

R e m e m b e r that t h e idea i s not t o punish t h e child, b u t make h i m realize t h a t his b e h a v i o r is w r o n g .

I f you h a v e other t i p s on h o w to h a n d l e a s t u b b o r n child a n d want t o share y o u r story w i t h other m o m m i e s , feel f r e e to u s e our c o m m e n t s section. W e ’ d love t o hear f r o m you!

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