When Do They Get It And How To Handle It

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T h e little o n e looks a t you s a d l y . Their t e a r y eyes s e e m to b e pleading w i t h you, “ D o n ’ t go l e a v i n g me a l o n e ” . Your h e a v y heart o v e r f l o w s with e m o t i o n seeing y o u r baby g o through s u c h trauma e v e r y day.

G i v e n a c h a n c e , you w o u l d never l e a v e your c h i l d because i t is a s much p a i n f u l to y o u as i t is f o r them. B u t they n e e d to g o to s c h o o l , and y o u need t o go b a c k to w o r k . Separation i s inevitable, a n d so i s separation a n x i e t y .

M o m J u n c t i o n tells y o u about s e p a r a t i o n anxiety ( S A ) in b a b i e s , when i t occurs, h o w long i t lasts, s i g n s of s e p a r a t i o n anxiety, a n d how t o help y o u r baby c o p e with i t .

W h a t Is S e p a r a t i o n Anxiety I n Babies?

S e p a r a t i o n anxiety( 1 ) is a developmental s t a g e wherein t h e baby g e t s anxious w h e n separated f r o m the m o t h e r or t h e primary c a r e t a k e r . It i s normal a n d reflects t h e strong b o n d you s h a r e with y o u r baby.

D o All B a b i e s Experience S e p a r a t i o n Anxiety?

S e p a r a t i o n anxiety i n d i c a t e s that y o u r baby i s developing h i s independence a n d sense o f security. I t is c o m m o n for a l l babies t o have s e p a r a t i o n anxiety b u t in v a r y i n g degrees.

M o s t babies s h o w signs o f SA i n certain s i t u a t i o n s , such a s when y o u leave t h e m to g o to t h e washroom, w h e n you p u t them i n the c r i b and l e a v e the r o o m , or d r o p them a t daycare o r playgroup.

T h i s brings u s to o n e question.

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W h e n Do B a b i e s Get S e p a r a t i o n Anxiety?

T h e first t i m e babies e x p e r i e n c e separation a n x i e t y is w h e n they a r e around e i g h t , the t i m e when t h e y understand t h a t their p a r e n t s exist e v e n when t h e y are o u t of t h e i r sight. I t peaks a t around 1 3 to 1 5 months ( 3 ) and l a s t s for u p to t w o to f i v e months ( 4 ) .

S A typically o c c u r s when t h e primary c a r e g i v e r , the m o t h e r , leaves t o work o r goes o u t . They k n o w that y o u are l e a v i n g but d o not k n o w when y o u would b e back b e c a u s e the b a b i e s don’t y e t understand t h e concept o f time.

T h i s anxiety l a s t s until t h e baby b e g i n s to r e a l i z e the f a c t that y o u are n o t leaving t h e m permanently b u t are j u s t going t o work o r run a n errand.

M o s t babies o v e r c o m e the a n x i e t y by t h e time c o u l d manifest i n various w a y s as t h e baby g r o w s in a g e . They c a n show i t through v a r i o u s behaviors.

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S i g n s Of S e p a r a t i o n Anxiety

Y o u can i d e n t i f y SA i n your c h i l d through o n e or m o r e of t h e s e signs:

C r i e s when l e f t alone o r with s o m e o n e else: This i s the c l a s s i c sign o f separation a n x i e t y . Your b a b y might h a v e difficulty b e i n g with t h e caregiver o r even w i t h the o t h e r parent.

Sleep time i s interrupted: It’s c o m m o n for b a b i e s with s e p a r a t i o n anxiety t o wake u p more t h a n once d u r i n g the n i g h t and c r y out f o r you. T h e y have n i g h t m a r e s about b e i n g separated f r o m you. A l l they n e e d is y o u r reassurance t h a t you a r e there f o r them s o that t h e y feel s e c u r e .

W a k e s up e a r l y : Your b a b y might w a k e up e a r l y and i s unable t o go b a c k to s l e e p unless y o u are a r o u n d .

C l i n g s on t o you: Your b a b y will c l i n g on t o you e s p e c i a l l y when y o u take h i m to n e w places o r meet s t r a n g e r s . You a l m o s t feel l i k e a k a n g a r o o with t h e baby i n the s a c .

V i s i b l y distressed: Some b a b i e s become d i s t r e s s e d , and i t might b e difficult t o calm t h e m down. T h e y are u p s e t and g e t cranky.

H a t e s playing a l o n e : They d o n ’ t want t o play w i t h their f a v o r i t e toys b e c a u s e they w a n t their m o t h e r to p l a y with t h e m . Though i t is t i m e – c o n s u m i n g , play w i t h them f o r some t i m e before y o u leave t h e m . It’s a great w a y to t e l l them b y e – b y e .

Y o u can t r y using a perfume f o r a w e e k and l e t your b a b y get u s e d to y o u r smell. T h e n ask t h e caregiver t o use t h e same p e r f u m e so t h a t your b a b y associates t h e smell w i t h you.

T h e smell m a y not w o r k once t h e baby s t a r t s recognizing y o u r face a n d voice. T h e r e f o r e , how d o you h a n d l e SA a t various s t a g e s of t h e child’s d e v e l o p m e n t .

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S e p a r a t i o n Anxiety A t Different S t a g e s

S e p a r a t i o n anxiety o c c u r s at d i f f e r e n t stages o f the b a b y ’ s development. L e t ’ s see h o w you c a n help t h e m at e a c h stage:

I n f a n t / baby:

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B a b i e s experience s e p a r a t i o n anxiety t y p i c a l l y around e i g h t months b u t it c a n vary f r o m one c h i l d to a n o t h e r . It l a s t s from w e e k s to m o n t h s until y o u r baby u n d e r s t a n d s that y o u are n o t abandoning h i m forever.

H o w to h e l p your b a b y through i t ?

I n t r o d u c e your b a b y to c a r e g i v e r s early: Start i n t r o d u c i n g your b a b y to b a b y s i t t e r s or c a r e g i v e r s from a s early a s six m o n t h s . That w a y , he w i l l get u s e d to o t h e r s , and t o your a b s e n c e .

L e t your b o d y language b e in s y n c with y o u r words: When y o u head t o w a r d s the d o o r , your b a b y senses y o u r feelings a n d emotions. S o be c o n f i d e n t , smile, a n d bid a goodbye c h e e r f u l l y . Your b a b y can b e confident o n l y if y o u are c o n f i d e n t leaving h i m with t h e caregiver.

Toddler:

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S e p a r a t i o n anxiety p e a k s around 1 2 to 2 4 months i n some b a b i e s , but s o m e get o v e r it b e f o r e the t o d d l e r age. A r o u n d the a g e of t w o years, c h i l d r e n develop a strong a t t a c h m e n t to t h e parent, a n d they a l s o have a strong u r g e to h a v e control o v e r things. T h e y understand t h a t you w i l l be b a c k , but t h e y want y o u to s t a y around w i t h them.

C h i l d r e n are g o o d at m a n i p u l a t i o n . They k n o w that c r y i n g will e l i c i t a r e a c t i o n from y o u , so t h e y do w h a t e v e r they c a n to a v o i d the s e p a r a t i o n . They m i g h t be l o u d , and i t would b e difficult t o stop t h e m .

H o w to h e l p your t o d d l e r through i t ?

G i v e your b a b y a t a s k or r e s p o n s i b i l i t y : Ask h i m to c l o s e the d o o r after y o u leave o r tell h i m to h e l p his n a n n y wash h i s clothes. G i v e him a n y fun t a s k that c a n keep h i m occupied.

S p e c i f y a t i m e when y o u will b e back: When y o u are l e a v i n g , tell y o u r baby y o u will b e back b y supper t i m e or i f you l e a v e in t h e morning t e l l him y o u will b e back b y evening.

Preschooler:

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A typical s c e n e at p r e s c h o o l s has c h i l d r e n crying t h e i r heart o u t , some r e f u s i n g to l e a v e their p a r e n t s , or s o m e clinging o n to t h e i r parents’ l e g s .

C h a n g e s such a s a n e w school, n e w house o r the a r r i v a l of a sibling c a n bring a b o u t separation a n x i e t y in c h i l d r e n of t h i s age. A l s o , the u n f a m i l i a r faces m a k e them f e e l anxious. I t lasts f o r a f e w weeks t i l l they u n d e r s t a n d that t h e i r mom w i l l come a n d pick t h e m up f r o m school, t h e new h o u s e is a s safe a s the o l d one, o r they c a n play w i t h the s i b l i n g and h a v e fun.

H o w to h e l p your p r e s c h o o l e r through i t ?

L e t your c h i l d be o k a y with h i s emotions: Comfort y o u r child b y saying, “ I know t h a t you a r e scared a n d anxious. B u t you w e r e also s c a r e d when w e went o n that a d v e n t u r e ride t h e first t i m e , and t h e n you h a d fun a f t e r some t i m e . ” Convince h i m that h e will b e able t o deal w i t h his f e a r s and a n x i e t y .

S p e n d extra t i m e with t h e m : Plan e x t r a one-on-one t i m e with y o u r child s o that h e gets a t t e n t i o n , feels s a f e , secure a n d less t h r e a t e n e d . If t h e child h a s a n e w sibling, g i v e your o l d e r kid e x t r a attention a n d involve h i m in h o u s e h o l d chores s o that h e doesn’t f e e l neglected.

H a v e a t i m e t a b l e : It’s g e n e r a l l y good t o have o r d e r in y o u r child’s r o u t i n e . It p r o v e s helpful d u r i n g separation b e c a u s e he k n o w s what h a p p e n s next, a n d by w h e n he c a n see y o u again.

D o n ’ t give i n to y o u r child’s d e m a n d s : Your c h i l d might s o m e t i m e s throw t a n t r u m s such a s wanting h i s pacifier b a c k or i n s i s t i n g that y o u sleep w i t h him a n d so o n . Don’t g i v e in t o his d e m a n d s , instead, s h o w e r him w i t h lots o f love a n d hugs b u t stay f i r m .

Y o u might t h i n k that y o u have r e a d i e d the b a b y for s e p a r a t i o n by s e t t i n g the r o u t i n e s for f e e d i n g , sleeping, e t c . , but h e would l e a v e you u n a w a r e s by s i t t i n g up a n d crying i n the m i d d l e of t h e night. T h a t ’ s one o f the s i g n s of s e p a r a t i o n anxiety.

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S e p a r a t i o n Anxiety I n Infants A t Night

B o u t s of S A during t h e nights w i l l deprive t h e baby a n d you o f your s l e e p . Babies w i t h separation a n x i e t y wake u p more t h a n once d u r i n g the n i g h t and c r y for t h e parent o r the c a r e g i v e r .

T h e fear o f getting s e p a r a t e d from y o u at n i g h t is r e a l . Here i s how y o u can d e a l with s u c h episodes:

T a l k to y o u r baby: Once y o u put h i m to s l e e p , don’t l e a v e immediately, c o n t i n u e to t a l k and s i n g to h i m . Leave h i m for a few s e c o n d s , come b a c k and t h e n slowly i n c r e a s e the g a p of s e p a r a t i o n . Eventually, h e will g e t used t o staying a w a y from y o u .

D e v e l o p a b e d t i m e routine: Make t h e bedtime p e a c e f u l , soothing, a n d loving. G i v e a l i g h t massage b e f o r e sleep, s i n g a l u l l a b y , or c u d d l e him s o that t h e separation i s less p a i n f u l .

P r o v i d e reassurance: Stay c l o s e to y o u r child a f t e r he f a l l s asleep. B a b i e s wake u p thinking t h a t they h a v e been l e f t to f e n d for t h e m s e l v e s , and t h e r e f o r e need a s s u r a n c e that y o u are t h e r e .

D o n ’ t sneak o u t : This i s a t e m p t i n g thing t o do b u t damaging i n the l o n g run. W h i l e it’s e a s y to v a n i s h after y o u r baby d o z e s off, i t can m a k e him i n s e c u r e and u n c e r t a i n every t i m e you l e a v e him. I n s t e a d , say a firm a n d loving g o o d n i g h t and t h e n leave h i m .

M a k e it s h o r t and s i m p l e : If h e cries, t e n d to h i m and m a k e the v i s i t short a n d simple. E n s u r e that h e falls a s l e e p on h i s own w i t h o u t much h e l p from y o u .

S t a y calm: It’s n a t u r a l for t h e parent t o be w o r r i e d about s e p a r a t i o n from t h e baby a t night t i m e . But, d o n ’ t let i t show o n your f a c e . Be c o n f i d e n t and h a p p y and l e t him k n o w that a l l ’ s well a n d there’s n o reason t o be u n h a p p y . Your b a b y will g e t your v i b e s and w i l l automatically r e l a x taking c u e s from y o u .

P l a y peek-a-boo: Playing p e e k – a – b o o with y o u r baby w i l l help h i m understand t h a t even i f you a r e gone, y o u will b e back.

S e p a r a t i o n anxiety i s just a phase i n the b a b y ’ s development, a n d you c a n ease t h e process f o r your b a b y .

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H o w To H e l p Y o u r Baby Deal W i t h Separation A n x i e t y ?

S e p a r a t i o n is n e v e r easy. B i d d i n g good-bye i s perhaps o n e of t h e hardest t h i n g s for m o m s and b a b i e s . Here’s h o w you c a n ease t h e separation.

S e t a r o u t i n e : Stick t o a r o u t i n e of s a y i n g goodbye. A regular s c h e d u l e can h e l p your c h i l d trust y o u and d e v e l o p his a b i l i t y to g e t through s e p a r a t i o n anxiety. D o not b r e a k the r o u t i n e as y o u might h a v e to s t a r t from s c r a t c h .

P r a c t i s e it: Practise t h e ritual o f separation e v e n before y o u r baby s t a r t s going t o nursery. L e a v e your b a b y with a caretaker o r grandparents a n d stay a w a y for a while. T h i s will h e l p him g e t ready w h e n it i s time f o r school. T h e more y o u practise t h i s , the s o o n e r it b e c o m e s a h a b i t .

M a k e them f a m i l i a r : Get y o u r baby f a m i l i a r with t h e caretaker w h e t h e r it i s at t h e daycare o r home. L e t him b e comfortable a n d acquainted w i t h the e n v i r o n m e n t . Give y o u r baby t i m e to s e t t l e down a n d if i t helps, s e n d along w i t h him h i s favorite t o y or b l a n k e t so t h a t he c a n be c o n n e c t e d to h o m e .

T a l k to y o u r baby: Before y o u leave, t a l k to y o u r baby. L e t your b a b y know t h a t he h a s to g o to t h e daycare o r stay a t home u n t i l you c o m e back. S w e e t – t a l k to h i m by s a y i n g , “Mama w i l l be b a c k soon a f t e r work, t h e nanny w i l l take c a r e of y o u , and I will c a l l you d u r i n g lunch.” B a b i e s understand b o d y language a n d gestures.

D o n ’ t pamper e v e r y time h e cries: Each t i m e your b a b y cries, d o n ’ t cajole a n d hug h i m . Doing t h a t will o n l y heighten t h e anxiety. I n s t e a d , let h i m cry o u t and e x p r e s s his e m o t i o n s . Give h i m some t i m e to d e a l with t h e separation. H e might s t o p crying i f you d o n ’ t interfere. P a r k your m o t h e r l y instincts f o r a w h i l e and s t a y strong a n d firm.

S a y bye a l w a y s : Don’t l e a v e without s a y i n g goodbye. I f you s n e a k out w i t h o u t saying g o o d b y e , your b a b y will b e upset. B e firm a n d loving w h e n you s a y it; k e e p it s h o r t and c h e e r f u l and m a k e it a routine e v e r y day. D o n ’ t come b a c k after y o u have s a i d goodbye; t h a t will o n l y make t h i n g s worse.

T i m e the s e p a r a t i o n s : Separations a r e harder w h e n the b a b y is t i r e d or h u n g r y , so t r y them w h e n he i s happy, w e l l fed, a n d healthy. D o n ’ t leave w h i l e he i s sleeping o r looking a w a y , he m i g h t wake u p and s t a r t crying. Y o u will a l s o be b r e a k i n g his t r u s t if y o u do t h a t . Ask y o u r caretaker t o distract h i m with a toy o r favorite f o o d immediately a f t e r you l e a v e . He w i l l shift h i s attention t o the c a r e g i v e r or o t h e r s around h i m through w h i c h he c a n also d e v e l o p his s o c i a l skills.

D o n ’ t cry b e f o r e your b a b y : As h a r d as i t may s o u n d , don’t c r y in f r o n t of y o u r baby. C r y i n g makes i t almost i m p o s s i b l e for y o u r baby t o part f r o m you b e c a u s e he k n o w s that y o u are a l s o pained b y the s e p a r a t i o n . So, g a t h e r yourself a n d put u p a b r a v e front w h i l e you l e a v e your b a b y .

R e u n i t i n g rituals: When y o u are b a c k from w o r k and y o u r child r e a c h e s to y o u , hug h i m and s p e n d time o r play w i t h him f o r a w h i l e before y o u move o n to o t h e r tasks. T h i s will r e a s s u r e him t h a t no m a t t e r how p a i n f u l the s e p a r a t i o n is, t h e reunion i s happy a n d cheerful.

S t a n d by y o u r words: If y o u promise y o u r baby s o m e t h i n g after y o u come b a c k , make s u r e you k e e p up t h e promise. H e will t r u s t you i f you d o so a n d is m o r e likely t o be a t peace w h e n he l e a v e s you. T h a t will a l s o make h i m independent a n d confident i n his a b i l i t y to s t a y without y o u .

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W h a t Is S e p a r a t i o n Anxiety D i s o r d e r ?

C h i l d r e n , usually, c o m e out o f SA b y two y e a r s . But i f it c o n t i n u e s beyond t w o years a n d restricts t h e child’s d e v e l o p m e n t , then i t turns i n t o separation a n x i e t y disorder o r SAD ( 5 ) .

S A D is c h a r a c t e r i z e d by a n x i e t y about a n y harm c o m i n g to t h e attachment f i g u r e , refusal t o go t o school, a n d fear o f going t o sleep w i t h o u t parents. I n the c a s e of S A D , the c h i l d requires p r o f e s s i o n a l help.

S e p a r a t i o n s are p a i n f u l both f o r you a n d the b a b y , but t h e y are i n e v i t a b l e . However, i f you f i n d your c h i l d to b e unusually u p s e t or t r a u m a t i z e d about s e p a r a t i o n , you n e e d to p r o b e into t h e reason. T h e caretaker a t the d a y care m i g h t be i l l – t r e a t i n g them, o r somebody c o u l d be b u l l y i n g them i n the s c h o o l or i t could b e something m o r e serious t h a n what y o u thought. D o not b r u s h aside y o u r child’s a p p r e h e n s i o n s but m a k e sure t h e reason f o r his a n x i e t y is j u s t your s e p a r a t i o n and n o t h i n g else.

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D o you h a v e an e x p e r i e n c e to s h a r e ? Do l e a v e it i n the c o m m e n t s section.

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